rentcharlie (rentcharlie) wrote,
rentcharlie
rentcharlie

I'm a mess.

Today I'm in agony. Not from withdrawal, I haven't started that yet; I keep delaying it. One more toke, one more fix, just one more. I should see a doctor, someone who can make me stick to my word and do what I have to do, I should see Liv but- being so in love with the innocence and beauty that is Orlando, and pretty close to Jake, something tells me there's no point. I'd go into town and see a doctor, but that would just be a.. really bad idea, considering that what I'm doing is pretty damn illegal and I'd be.. sent back to England. Patient confidentiality my boney white ass. Last time I bought that I was twelve years old and.. yeah, we're not going to get into that.

Why am I in agony? I hear you cry.

Because I can't stay the same. Yesterday; I was having an epiphany, or something, I was alive and glad and determined to change. Today? I didn't want to get out of bed, I have constant tears behind my eyes, and I want to grab a PA system and scream at everyone what Orlando did to me, what Jake did to me. I'd do that, you know, if I wasn't so damned desperate to let it all go.. (and if my writer would let me).

It just tears me up inside so much to hear people saying how lovely Jake is, how innocent Orlando is, how fucking great they both are and what am I? I'm the local horror story, people stay away from me, I'm the person people point out to show how low they never want to let themselves become. People see him with someone else and just assume that I did something wrong, that I hurt him.

Well fuck them, they know nothing.

Yeah.. I'm more into the anger stage now. The second I think about what they did, my chest tightens and I feel my face begin to burn, I feel sick, I can't help it; I've been a fucking whore since I was thirteen but nobody has ever hurt me the way they have. They've taken everything from me. Everything.

Anybody who expects me to forgive them for that can drop dead.

It's just so.. unbelievably ridiculous. For a year Orlando has called me the love of his life, his only one, the person he wants to spend the rest of his life with. I go away for not-even-24-hours!!!, and he's in love with Jake?? I come second, all of a sudden. I LEFT A FUCKING NOTE. I TOLD HIM I'D BE BACK. I LEFT MY NUMBER. I MADE A PROMISE! And so did he.

He always did love the feeling of being wronged. I'm sure the world will hear about how terrible I am, how much I hurt him.

And what, JAKE?!

Is this the same Jake who tried to rape him? Who used his best friend? Who was with his OTHER best friend? Who he warned people to stay away from?!

Yeah, right. I can see the attraction. I can also see a goddamn hypocrite and one very broken unwritten law.

*sigh*

Whatever.

Fuck them. Fuck them all. I'll survive. I have to- I always do.
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