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In rehab. [June 1st, 12:06am]
You want to know why I hate you, well I’ll try and explain..
Promised to each other that we’d always think the same,
And dreamed that dream to be two souls as one.

Fucking music. Why did I want to be allowed music, again? All that happens is I let it control my emotions and I have to listen to a happy song to feel happy. I don’t own that many happy songs, so..

Eh. I switch to Halo, hoping maybe that’ll cheer me up a bit. Of course, it doesn’t, it just makes me bitter that I don’t have that in my life.

I feel so fucking sick. Hm. That’s an idea. Switch to Close to Me.

I’ve waited hours for this,
I’ve made myself so sick,
I wish I’d stayed asleep today.

That’s more like it. Upbeat tone, not depressing yet not entirely happy lyrics.

I breathe a little sigh of relief and flop back on the bed, staring at the ceiling. I’ve been here one day. The withdrawal’s not too bad yet, but it’s pretty fucking bad. Mainly the nausea, and the voices going insane (wait.. that would be me going insane), and my muscles beginning to ache and knot. It’s times like this I lose the anger and start thinking too much- and that annoys me because I have every right to be angry, and I start forgiving him, them, but then I get angrier because of that and I want to kick things. Kick.. things. I kicked the wall, but all I got was a bruised toe and zero satisfaction. Sigh.

Oh crap, the song is coming to an end. What’s next?

AGHHH. You fuckers.

You’re so gorgeous I’d do anything,
Kiss you from your feet to where your head begins,
You’re so perfect you’re so right as rain,
You make me make me make me make me hungry again.

Everything you do is irresistible
Everything you do is so kissable
Why can’t I be you?

That’s.. just.. not even funny. Swiiiitch. Just Like Heaven. That’ll do nicely for now, possibly make me cry, but eh.

Show me show me show me how you do that trick,
The one that makes me scream, she said
The one that makes me laugh, she said
And threw her arms around my neck

Show me how you do it and I promise you,
I promise that I’ll run away with you
I’ll run away with you

Spinning on that dizzy edge,
I kissed her face and kissed her hair,
And dreamed of all the different ways I had
To make her glow

Why are you so far away? She said,
Oh won’t you ever know
That I’m in love with you,
That I’m in love with you.

You, soft and only,
You, lost and lonely,
You, strange as angels dancing in the deepest ocean,
Twisting in the water you’re just like a dream,
You’re just like a dream.

Daylight licked me into shape,
I must have been asleep for days
So moving lips to breathe her name
I opened up my eyes

And found myself alone alone alone
Above a raging sea
That stole the only girl I loved and drowned her deep inside of me

You, soft and only
You, lost and lonely,
Just like heaven..


I don't miss him. I don't miss him at all.

I wonder when I'll truly convince myself of that?
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I'm a mess. [May 2nd, 4:05pm]
Today I'm in agony. Not from withdrawal, I haven't started that yet; I keep delaying it. One more toke, one more fix, just one more. I should see a doctor, someone who can make me stick to my word and do what I have to do, I should see Liv but- being so in love with the innocence and beauty that is Orlando, and pretty close to Jake, something tells me there's no point. I'd go into town and see a doctor, but that would just be a.. really bad idea, considering that what I'm doing is pretty damn illegal and I'd be.. sent back to England. Patient confidentiality my boney white ass. Last time I bought that I was twelve years old and.. yeah, we're not going to get into that.

Why am I in agony? I hear you cry.

Because I can't stay the same. Yesterday; I was having an epiphany, or something, I was alive and glad and determined to change. Today? I didn't want to get out of bed, I have constant tears behind my eyes, and I want to grab a PA system and scream at everyone what Orlando did to me, what Jake did to me. I'd do that, you know, if I wasn't so damned desperate to let it all go.. (and if my writer would let me).

It just tears me up inside so much to hear people saying how lovely Jake is, how innocent Orlando is, how fucking great they both are and what am I? I'm the local horror story, people stay away from me, I'm the person people point out to show how low they never want to let themselves become. People see him with someone else and just assume that I did something wrong, that I hurt him.

Well fuck them, they know nothing.

Yeah.. I'm more into the anger stage now. The second I think about what they did, my chest tightens and I feel my face begin to burn, I feel sick, I can't help it; I've been a fucking whore since I was thirteen but nobody has ever hurt me the way they have. They've taken everything from me. Everything.

Anybody who expects me to forgive them for that can drop dead.

It's just so.. unbelievably ridiculous. For a year Orlando has called me the love of his life, his only one, the person he wants to spend the rest of his life with. I go away for not-even-24-hours!!!, and he's in love with Jake?? I come second, all of a sudden. I LEFT A FUCKING NOTE. I TOLD HIM I'D BE BACK. I LEFT MY NUMBER. I MADE A PROMISE! And so did he.

He always did love the feeling of being wronged. I'm sure the world will hear about how terrible I am, how much I hurt him.

And what, JAKE?!

Is this the same Jake who tried to rape him? Who used his best friend? Who was with his OTHER best friend? Who he warned people to stay away from?!

Yeah, right. I can see the attraction. I can also see a goddamn hypocrite and one very broken unwritten law.



Fuck them. Fuck them all. I'll survive. I have to- I always do.
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Fresh Start. [April 29th, 7:04pm]
A fresh start and a new layout. Still pink, mind you. I like it. Everything old is gone. I'm trying to start over- some would call that running away, and I would whole-heartedly agree. But sticking around won't do me any good.

So I'm wiping everything away. I'm going to fall off the wagon more than a few times, I'm sure. But I'm a bloody determined little sod when I want to be, and I'm going to make sure I do something differently. No more love, no more angst, the only sex I'm going to have has got to be casual. More importantly; no more crying to random strangers.

I hope.
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